Ehlena's Journal

Entry 1 - *sitting at my desk I open my journal to a new page as I ponder the things that are chaotic in my mind as I pick up the pen and begin to write* I've been away, taking care of family business while Rehvenge has been taking care of things here and at the colony. Despite being home a few days, we haven't had a chance to really talk yet. I miss him, even though he is sleeping only a few feet away right now. *looking over and smiling at my handsome hellren* There is much going on here, and as is often the case, Rehv is keeping me apart from the darker things that touch his life every day. I know it will always be this way, but as I often do, I question the need for his secrets. Secrets have not served us well in the past, however well-intentioned they've been. Males have a need to protect, just as females have a need to shelter and save. Rehv says I have saved him from darkness, but in doing that, I gave myself a life that is more than I ever imagined would be possible. But, I do understand secrets, because I've kept many in my life, hidden much that I didn't want the world to see, so Rehv's penchant for being invisible is one I know well. *sighing, I sit back, thoughts scattered, the past spinning around the present, the future so unclear, I am restless and uncertain*

Entry 2 - *wrapping a robe around me as I leave the bathroom, I hold it close, needing the illusion of warmth as my mind whirls in familiar patterns of uncertainty ~ tying the belt tight around my waist, I walk to the window, looking out into the night, pulling in the lingering sense of Rehv's presence here ~ as always, peace comes with the thought of my beloved hellren ~ at least for a few moments ~ I can feel his love around me, even though he is preoccupied and focused on his business ~ and I am almost relieved about that ~ not because I don't want him here, close to me, but because it won't take him long to know I've been hiding things from him since I got home* Rehv... there are things I need to tell you... and I'm afraid. *sighing heavily, I spot the book that sits on the desk in our suite ~ perhaps it's time to write again? I go and sit, pick up the pen, and begin to write again* Despite wanting to the put the words on the page, to record what happened, all I am able to think about is Rehv and what he will think... how he will react? He is a dangerous male, even when all is as it should be. It does not help that I am not even sure how to tell him what's happened. *swallowing hard, I wonder if he already knows ~ if it isn't part of why he is keeping distance between us right now* You're being ridiculous, I whisper to the silence. Rehv would be here right now if it was possible. I know this! *the assurances, even though they are the simple truth, leave me cold. All I can think of is how badly I need Rehv's arms, and his presence, and the taste of him... how did this happen? How did I block him out of my head so successfully that he doesn't know already? *tossing the pen aside, closing the journal, I climb into bed, hugging the pillow that he's slept on ~ as I drift into restless sleep, I decide it's time to ask him if he will teach me how to use a gun, and some self-defense*

Entry 3 - *the darkness was like a blanket, warm and oppressive, and the sounds of the cloying night were strangely muffled. I can hear the tears and the shouts and the laughter of humans as I walk to the store, enjoying the freedom of my solitude for the short time it takes to pick up a few things. The night is warm, but suddenly I feel a chill touch the back of my neck, like a whisper of death, a warning that something is not as it should be. I look around, preternatural vision piercing the shadows easily, senses reaching outward to find the hidden threat, because I know whatever is watching me, it's not friendly* Rehv… *my beloved's name is a whisper, instinctively spoken ~ Rehvenge is safety and it takes real effort not to mentally scream his name as fear jumps to a higher level ~ a few more steps and I hear the sound of pain coming from just inside the dark alley that separates two buildings ~ for a moment I hesitate, but a quick reach outward tells me the young male is in agony and needs help ~ when another cry of anguish seeps into the night, I change direction and go to see if he is injured. If nothing else, I can take him to the clinic, and Doc Jane can help him ~ I see him in the blackness, huddled against the cold stone of the building, and I approach cautiously* It's ok, I only want to help… *as I bend and reach out for him, his head comes up and I see his eyes, burning with madness, and he lunges forward…* Rehv… *gasping, shaking violently, the dream releases me and leaves me panting in terror as I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling high above me ~ I can feel the chill on my skin as I fight to control my fear before Rehv does feel it spilling from me* You have to tell him what's happened, I whisper to the air, before he finds out some other way! *I roll over onto my side and curl up tight, determined not to cry, willing my mind to be blank so he won't feel my terrors*

Entry 4 - *standing at the window, looking outward, familiar restlessness fills me with complicated fears and questions that never seem to be answered ~ I walk to the desk and sit, sighing heavily, staring down at the leather journal that's become the keeper of my secrets and my terrors ~ I pick up the lovely gold pen, twirling it in my fingers for a few moments, then I open the book and turn to a new page* I told Rehv a little bit about the nightmares, and why they started, and for a couple of days, it helped, they faded. I felt safe again. Rehv knew someone else had touched me, taken what belongs only to my beloved Hellren, someone had taken my vein in spite of the bonding scent that marked me as Rehvenge's Shellan. Even now, the thought of it makes me cringe inside. *I feel the ever-present illness surging up in my throat and swallow hard against it* There is something more here, though, and I know I have to remember it, because if I don't, I am afraid Rehv will find this boy and destroy him. *I lean back in the chair and let my mind go back* The night air felt cloying, like something existed within it, something I could sense, but not enough to recognize it. The sound of the young man's anguish filled my ears, but there was a faint whisper within his pain, or was it beyond the sound of his agonized hunger? *I sit up straighter in my chair, mind alert and searching as another whisper of truth became clear* There was someone else in the alley, and whoever it was, he was the reason the young man was in so much agony. The knowledge chilled me to the core, made me want to run, to find Rehvenge and beg him to stay with me. *shaking my head I try to calm the sudden terror that is rippling through me, building into waves of crushing fear. Like a dim trace of sound that lingered in my mind, I heard a voice, low, deadly, filled with satisfaction, and the words took shape for the first time: "Tell the Reverend we know he didn't go up in flames with ZeroSum, and we're waiting for him..." *ice flooded my veins, the cold fear too intense to be suppressed, too complete for me to control* Rehv.... nallum.... they know you're alive.... *I stood and went to get dressed. It didn't matter that he'd told me not to go out alone, I needed to see him, just to know he was all right*

Entry 5 - She watched him sleep, her smile soft and secretive as her body responded to the memory of waking wrapped in his arms. She'd slept free of dreams and fears, slumbering in warmth that emanated from the handsome man who was her entire world, and all the good things that touched it. She laughed inside. The romanticism making her shake her head. To the outside world, he was anything but romantic, and to her he was the best gift her life had ever known. In his eyes, there was beauty and love that she'd never known before, never believed would ever be hers. With his presence, whatever was wrong was tiny and inconsequential. With his touch, all terrors were calmed and banished. With his love, life held promise and hope. He had been her savior from the first moment they'd met, and she had been his, once she'd accepted that he was the mate her soul craved and needed to be whole. For all the resistance they'd mounted against their shared destiny, they'd both been taught a lesson as eternal and unchangeable as the very essence of life – Fate will find a way, and when love is the guiding power, all roads end at the same destination. For Ehlena, the journey began and ended with Rehvenge. She went back to the bed, slid between the sheets, and this time she held him, happiness humming in her veins when he murmured her name. She kissed his forehead and closed her eyes, cherishing the silence and the safety, knowing it was a respite that they'd denied themselves for too long. Life world would be demanding their presence again soon enough, for now, their sanctuary was all that existed.

Entry 6 - She stood looking at the beauty of Paris from the window high above the dazzling city, her mind spinning wildly, partly with memory, partly with reawakened fear. She knew Rehv was worrying about his businesses...about everything in Caldwell. Their vacation had been a wonderful and loving gift, but she knew him as intimately as he knew her, their thoughts were often shared without either of them realizing it at first. She knew they had avoided things for long enough, it was time to think about returning to face what they had chosen to run from.

In her mind, she let the visions take shape and coalesce in her mind, feeling the need to look clearly at their life. From the start, they had understood and misunderstood each other. In retrospect, it seemed almost impossible to believe they had felt so unworthy of each other. Somehow, thank the Scribe Virgin, they had survived not only Rehv's dark past, but her shame and belief that she didn't deserve the happiness he'd wanted so much to give her. They were not the most sedate of couples, his temper flared dangeorusly, hers sparked equally fierce - but they loved with the passion that could only exist between true mates. He was her world, everything good that defined her life began and ended in Rehvenge.

She'd been independent, determined to remain that way, even when she fell in love with him. Recently, she'd begun to realize why he insisted on keeping her protected. She might yet be responsible for bringing evil to the Brotherhood and her beloved hellren. She had tried not to think about that, to accept Rehv's certainty that if someone wanted to bring him into the open, to reveal his death as a lie - it would not be because of the attack on her. In her heart, she knew her lack of foresight might yet cost them in ways no one could anticipate. She felt the tightness of tears and regret in her throat, the force of it almost choking her.

"Whatever is putting the sorrow in your heart, leelan, and I think I know what it is, forget it."

Rehvenge's deep, resonant voice was a caress of comfort and love, his words kissing her soul and granting it forgiveness.

"We need to go home, mine hellren. And soon."

His brilliant amethyst gaze never wavered, and he nodded. "Come to bed, we can discuss returning home later."

Smiling she rose and let the heavy silk robe fall from her body as crossed the distance that separated them, then slid into bed beside him. Already her body was aching for his touch, familiar tremors of need making his slow smile even more seductive as he reached for her and drew her into his arms. Tomorrow would be soon enough to face the past and whatever needed to be done, for now all that mattered was the hunger that existed between them, the sweet scent of rich spices that was Rehv's bonding scent consuming her, marking her as his.